I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the floor beside the bed. I was sweating excessively and my head hurt. I must’ve fallen off the bed. But I couldn’t remember sleeping on the bed. I switched on the light and looked around, the room was a complete mess. Empty rum bottles were lying around and a plate of leftover food in the corner had already been infested with flies. I must have passed out on the floor last night, I concluded. Dehydration was the reason behind the headache. I went to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of water from the refrigerator to re-hydrate myself. I looked out of the kitchen window and all I could see was darkness. I knew that I couldn’t fall asleep even if I wanted to. I went back to my room and found a bottle which still had some rum left in it. I gulped it down and felt it burn my throat. I was home alone, it had been two days since my family had left for a trip to Varanasi. A place where you could go with a heavy heart and drop off all your sins and come back guilt free. I chuckled, If it were only that simple. “Bye, take care. I’ll call you every day. Study and don’t waste time!” my mother advised me before she left to Varanasi. As soon as she left, I grabbed my wallet and waited 30 seconds before heading out. I needed to get the ‘essential supplies’ for the next 10 days. I came back home loaded with 10 bottles of rum, 12 bottles of beer and a 20-pack cigarette box hoping that they would last for 10 days. But here I was, in the beginning of third day, with all my supplies exhausted. I looked around in my room and found the cigarette box. There were two left. Since I can’t smoke inside my house, I decided to go to the terrace. Nothing lasts forever, but the elevator ride to top most floor made me have second thoughts. The terrace however, was worth the ride. I could effortlessly view half the city, undetected and secluded, away from the prying eyes. However, the door to the terrace would always be locked and the only way to get past the door is to jump over the wall. I must’ve been a cat in my previous life, for I jumped over the wall with ease. It was a full moon day and there was a cold breeze. My sweating body rejoiced the cold embrace of the wind. I climbed atop the water tank and lit a cigarette. I relaxed as I puffed the smoke. With dawn, still a few hours away, the moon shone brightly illuminating the dark skies. The rum that I gulped earlier was of no use, for I was feeling sober now. I hated sobriety. Sobriety meant a functioning mind. A functioning mind meant free flow of thoughts and lately, I haven’t had any good thoughts. I didn’t realize it but my thoughts had slowly sneaked into my head and started whispering things. If you had grown up in an orthodox family or if you are a spiritual person, you would have often heard that, “You are not the body but the soul. When you die, your body dies not your soul. The soul is immortal and you will be born again. It’s a never-ending cycle”. I had grabbed this thought and started toying with it. I was at my worst state and I badly needed a restart. So what if I die? I’m going to be born again. If that’s not going to happen, so what? It does not matter. Once I die, nothing matters. I don’t have to struggle anymore. Ending your life is a decision that you could take without any regrets. After all, to feel regret or guilt you must be alive. I felt my lip burn. The cigarette had burned out and now the filter tip had started to burn. I took one last puff before stubbing the cigarette and got up. The cold wind still blew. I walked to the edge of the tank. I could see the cars parked below. They looked like the tiny cars that kids would sit in and push around. It was nearly 13 floors tall. If I fall from here, there’s no scope for survival. I don’t have to worry about surviving and being disabled for the rest of my life. Good. Death didn’t seem scary after all. It’s life that is scary. I jumped. I’ve jumped at least a hundred times from the diving boards at pools, that were two floors high. However, this was different. With every second that passed, I was falling down faster. I could feel the friction of air on my face. I squinted my eyes and waited for it to end. I fell flat on my face.
I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the floor beside the bed. I was sweating excessively and my head hurt. Indeed. I had fallen off my bed. The dream had ended and the nightmare had begun once again.
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